I am on here because I never found clear explanations for what I was going through when I was going through the worst of it. What I read in text books felt so wrong. Things that did help were written far beyond my ability to absorb and understand; for so long it was useless to me!
DID was a nightmare for me. There were no Internet support groups then. I didn’t know anything except that I was loosing my mind. The things I experienced were so frightening and weird at times that I feared telling anyone what I experienced thinking they would lock me up and throw away the key. Every therapist I saw wanted me on drugs and I felt that brain misfiring thing they kept telling me really didn’t apply.
I felt damaged by all the things I had gone through. It was as if they were saying I was malfunctioning without any real reason or cause, just crazy. I knew that much of what I felt was caused by my past experiences. So much pain, abuse and loss filtering through without my understanding what I needed to do to fix my malfunctioning brain.
I was diagnosed with manic depression and given drugs that never helped, but no one would listen. Everyone I knew was on my case because I wouldn’t just take my pills and behave correctly like a good patient! I did and do get depressed but I have also found that there were times when my body just needed to shut down and process all the things I was going through.
I have with time gotten less judgmental about my own processes and less quick to grab a drug to change where I am. Like a computer that is malfunctioning, that shutting down process seemed to be just what I needed to stop the malfunctioning loop that I was in.
There are times when medication is appropriate. Constant stress does make chemical changes in your brain and it may just take a chemical to offset those changes so that your brain function can return to normal. If a drug is what it takes to help you function, it may just be worth the trouble. It’s your life. You need to balance the side effects and the results and decide what is best for you.
If your evaluating drug therapy a few things to remember. You may have side effects at first that are disturbing but will pass with time and it can take time to know if something is helping. Discuss your concerns with your Dr. Don’t let yourself be bullied. It may be worth tolerating some discomfort to gain brain function but in the end its up to you to judge if the results are worth it.
I read somewhere that if you can’t explain something so that ANYONE can understand it, you don’t understand it well enough. That was my goal; I need to know how close I have gotten to it. Your feedback is important to me.
I have this whole book on DID written on the hard drive of my computer in California. I came to Florida months ago for a two week visit and stayed, leaving all that I owned behind. I have tried to recreate the basics here as I really want the information out there where someone might benefit from it.
I have run out of things that I remember off the top of my head and I no longer experience most of what disturbed me or confused me. I barely remember what it was like to be that me anymore.
I step out and state what I do as if it’s fact. That being said, part of that confidence in what I am saying sit’s firmly on the fact that I KNOW that it’s my opinion, and you are entitled to your own. Mine is based on years of researching and self evaluation but it can be just as off as the “facts” that have been proven to be false by brain scans and new ways of viewing our developing brains.
There are those who are firmly in the camp of believing that multiple personalities exist as separate souls. In truth we only have one brain. No matter how fully we feel and experience them, they are in totality only the result of brain damage and our brains creative ability to make sense of what we’re feeling and experiencing as healing occurs.
The effects are confusing and frightening to feel and without any explanation for it we are left only with what ever our own brain creates as the story to explain the experience. Our brain keeps us in a place of homeostasis, because our survival depends on it.
Lacking real information about what has happened, we get a creative expression of what we feel based on our beliefs. This is not to say that the original flashbacks and feelings are not “real”. They are as real as anything we experience, but knowing what causes the effects will change how it’s experienced.
Not knowing what is going on creates fear and instability. We need to understand this extreme difference in experiencing our reality and lacking real information our brain will make one up that makes sense to us, to bring us back into homeostasis, the state we are in when our body is kept stable.
Once the belief is in place that what we are experiencing is “separate personalities” each taking control, which is exactly what it feels like when you experience it from the inside, “they” will conform more fully to that expectation.
Basically that is our brains confirmation that the way it’s filed information up to now, is correct and working for us, and will enable it to continue to file information in ways that make each of those storage areas more intensely flushed out as separate and different.
It’s my belief that each of us has to decide if this is in fact the case. Is it working for you?
I couldn’t continue to exist in the space of drama and instability I found myself in. I wanted normal, or as close to it as it is possible for me to get in this lifetime.
I am functioning without drugs or outside intervention these days and I am happier. I don’t need to spend time and money or state resources to maintain my functioning and while I did get help, it is in a big way my own effort that has me here. I feel good about that.
Before anyone on the outside judges the decisions people with this disorder make, they should consider what it would be like, actually being born a fused multiple. Where you share organs and a body, but have separate brains.
Consider parents that make the decision never to separate them. Sure, they live with the fact that everyone on the outside can see that your not like them, but to do that surgery means that part of what you love will die. It can’t exist except in it’s current state.
You can decide what you would do, but is it really right to force your choice on others, when in reality you don’t have to live with the results of the decision?
I have experienced integration. It is a death of everything you know of who you are. It was an instant silence, where I had never before known what it was like to be alone. It was almost more then I could bear.
It was years of not knowing anything about who I was. Like a child I looked for clues and only became more like the person I believed those clues showed me to be.
This is a very dangerous time. If you are surrounded by negativity, what they reflect back at you would all be negative. Building a healthy self concept in that environment will be an imposing task, and impossible if you don’t realize what is happening.
I have changed the environment and watched the changes in me and know what it’s like to feel like clay in the hands of everyone around you. In the end I have chosen the environment that I am in, partially because I am able to live with the person I am when I am here.
There are changes I wish to make but every thought that I have confirming those beliefs strengthens me and I hope will make it possible at some point to exist stably when I move on.
What ever our life as a multiple is, it is all we have known up to now, only we can decide if it works for us.
From this side I can say for me, the change was worth the loss. I really do have vastly improved brain function. I can choose to focus on the parts of me that I liked and add them to my new view of who I am. I had some artistic parts and while I can’t draw like that part did, I have taught myself to paint and feel that I successfully express that part again.
If you are looking for what may actually cause what we know as DID, I hope you find some satisfactory answers here. In the whole of this site I have tried to create a map of my way out. I hope you also find a measure of respect for choosing to live life from where you are.